Building Resilience: Bend Don’t Break
2020 has been a SEASON. That’s it – that’s how I’m starting this post because nothing else felt as honest or authentic in relation to how the last 3 months have gone for me and many others out there just trying to live our lives the best we can and be the best version of who we know how to be. Full transparency, the last 6 months or so have been a rollercoaster filled with strong “ups” and intense “downs” for me and my people. However, with that said, what I have learned is that we are resilient and capable of, not just “making it,” but coming back better than before. This season has taught me how great I can be and how great people are at taking the obstacles life will inevitably throw at them and using them to exceed all expectations; becoming better for it all.
We all make plans and layout our goals with the hopes that every situation will work out the same way we have organized it in our minds. Our tendency is to be hopeful and plan for the ideal which is great… but only as a place to start. But when was the last time everything you aimed for went “according to plan”? EXACTLY. The problem with this is when the inevitable shows up and when the unthinkable happens including things like adverse playing conditions, a coach moving or getting fired, getting passed up for the job you worked so hard for, or a pandemic takes over and shakes up life in ways we could have never expected. When this happens, it is easy for us to get stuck. We sometimes struggle figuring out what to do or where to go next which tends to cause justified fear, worry, and anxiety. While those feelings may be justified, we know this is not beneficial space for anyone to be stuck in for extended periods of time because this can cause us to be under high levels of stress which can be detrimental, both physiologically and psychologically (Pervanidou & Chrousos, 2012).
What I hope to offer here are a few strategies and perspectives that may help us navigate these adverse situations and circumstances more productively:
1. Be Comfortable Being Uncomfortable – We hear this all the time, but this is the first step because when things do not go according to plan, we are going to be uncomfortable. Nobody ends up in an adverse situation and initially feels good about it. The question is does that uncomfortable feeling make you want to dive in or get the hell out? We only ever learn new things and gain new insight when we are willing to challenge what is comfortable, so let this feeling excite you by asking yourself “What can I learn?” “What can I take away from this today that I can apply tomorrow?” “How does this make me better?” These are not always easy questions to ask, but in a difficult situation they are necessary for providing perspective and beginning the process of creating actionable steps to move forward.
2. Evaluate and Revise – What’s your plan when your plan no longer works? What are your contingency plans? Creating appropriate backup plans are not only helpful, but also necessary for ANY situation. The skillset needing to be developed here is problem-solving. Developing problem-solving skills and brainstorming various contingency plans are essential for navigating the uncertainties that come with any situation. There is rarely, if ever, a single solution or way to go about achieving anything. If we use a treasure map as an analogy, the X marks the spot and there may be a “direct path” outlined for us to acquire the treasure, but what happens if we end up getting redirected elsewhere on the island? What happens if life’s currents change our starting point or we encounter some other obstacles that weren’t shown on the map? The treasure is still there, however, it will require us to be willing and creative enough to figure out how to get there via an indirect or unmapped path if we still want to get there.
3. Notice Progress – this third step may be the most overlooked step in times of adversity, but it is no doubt one of the most important. Our tendency will always be to recall the mishaps and mistakes more often and more vigorously than we recall our progress and successes. This is due to our human tendencies being geared toward negativity bias (Scholes, 2009). We tend to discount the seemingly small victories, especially when we perceive those successes as meeting standard expectations or what we “should” do. In psychology, we call this “shoulding all over yourself.” In order to balance the scales, we must recognize the progress and the work it has taken to earn those small victories, as menial as they may seem. Every journey is simply a series of steps in the right direction that eventually get you to your destination so begin to shift your perspective by noticing progress. If you can recognize how far you have come, you will reinforce that you are capable of continuing to progress from whatever point you are currently at.
4. Decide the Direction – When we feel stuck, it can be demotivating, frustrating, and understandably confusing to the point that sometimes, we become complacent in our struggle. To prevent this from happening, we have to pick a direction and just go. For years and years, I had coaches and bosses tell me “the wrong decision is better than indecision” which has really resonated with me. Just make a decision. Sometimes all we need is space and a different outlook to tell us what to do next. Take action in a direction; it doesn’t even necessarily have to be the “right one” because the right one may require a viewpoint we aren’t in a position to see yet so keep moving and keep looking for clues.
Adversity and struggle are never easy, but it is important to recognize that it’s not a matter of if, rather when, it will show up. These 4 strategies are not an effortless solution, but they are guides that can help adversity become more manageable and productive when it arrives. Look at the 4 steps again and notice each one: Be Comfortable Being Uncomfortable, Evaluate and Revise, Notice Progress, and Decide the Direction.
The key to effectively building resilience is learning how to become more psychologically flexible in our approach to anything and everything; if we can learn how to be flexible, we will BEND instead of break.
“This is the moment I accept the most challenging times will always be behind me and in front of me.”
Author: Stephanie Hale
References:
1. Pervanidou, P., & Chrousos, G. P. (2012). Metabolic consequences of stress during childhood and adolescence. Metabolism, 61(5), 611-619.
2. Scholes, M. (2009). Positive Psychology and Sport an exciting mix. science, 276.