A Self-Compassion Series: Me is We (pt. 2)
Full disclosure, over a year ago, I started this “blog series” on self-compassion because I have always been fascinated by the concept and fully intended on diving into more of the literature and resources surrounding it. I feel it’s such an integral, yet underutilized and easily dismissed concept in both performance and life. I wrote the part one and then really struggled to conceptualize part 2 (the attempt you’re currently reading). I danced around a lot of excuses on why I wasn’t “ready yet” and “when the right thought sparks it, I’ll do it.” So here we are, a year and 3 months later, amidst a global pandemic and a national confrontation of systemic racism – it took me reflecting on and sitting in my internal processing of the world’s current events to come back to pt. 2; while I wish it didn’t take me this long, refreshing myself on the concept was something I really needed and I think the message is worth sharing now more than ever.
Brief overview: when we look at the self-compassion literature that comes out of Kristin Neff’s work, she defines self-compassion as a way of relating to oneself which promotes self-kindness, shared humanity, and mindfulness (Neff, 2003). This concept can sometimes be a tough sell because it has the potential to be morphed into a self-absorbed, complacent, “soft” approach to tackling our personal hurdles and barriers, but I maintain that it’s quite the opposite; often times, the most difficult thing you can do is be kind to yourself and allow yourself the space to be human. Think about it – it’s way easier to give into the emotion of being mad, frustrated, disgusted, and/or ashamed. The real challenge comes when try to care for ourselves with kindness and understanding. Not many of us know how to do it well, and consistently well, because there’s often the misconception that practicing self-compassion somehow permits us to be complacent, selfish, and dismissive (Neff, 2010). Where I think giving into the “easier road” of being the more abrasive, harsh, and relentless critic becomes a real issue is two-fold:
1. We exaggerate the consequences of our struggle and isolate ourselves in them.
2. We permeate the message that it’s not okay to make mistakes and it is necessary to beat ourselves down when we make them.
(I want to insert a brief message to say I intend to be as sensitive as possible in addressing what is going on in our world right now while also acknowledging there is the possibility I may say something incorrectly or not representative of everyone’s experience…)
To bring it back to the point I introduced in the beginning, I really want to focus on the second piece of self-compassion: the shared humanity. If we can acknowledge that the overly critical mind and sometimes merciless conscience are not the most productive (especially over the duration of time) and we can identify the root issues to primarily the 2 points above, your answer lies in shared humanity (Neff, 2003). We are in a time where most of the world is coming from or still in a mandated quarantine, keeping us home for numerous weeks, if not months. This means A LOT of time with you and yourself – likely more than usual which provides the opportunity to explore more of your internal environment and I am curious how many have taken the opportunity to do so, for better or for worse. Speaking for myself, it revealed some things about me that I wasn’t very aware of prior to quarantine; it revealed some aspects of how I respond to working in new ways, how I go about connecting with others (or in some cases don’t) when “in-person” is no longer an option, how I respond to uncertainty of my future and the fears that come along with it. What I will say is I have become much more acquainted with and comforted by the notion that I am not in this alone. It isn’t just hard for me. It isn’t just novel and uncertain for me. It’s novel and uncertain for everybody – there is a reason COVID-19 and its impact is constantly referred to as “unprecedented.”
Then consider the transition of focus to the death of George Floyd and the flame of passion it has invoked in people to address the injustice and perennial racism still perpetuated by our system(s). In my experience, it has been an eye-opening call for a reality and awareness check. Truly, I wrestled with myself and my conceptualization of myself as I realized the truth of what I have contributed to throughout my life by not taking an active stance against the things and the people that oppress others. This reality was really difficult for me to sit with; I felt guilty, responsible, insecure, incompetent, and lost in where to begin improving myself. To put it simply, I was and sometimes still am, afraid to mess up and say or do the wrong thing. To put it honestly, I wanted a mapped-out plan of what to do and to know how it would play out for the better. To put it realistically, I wanted to be comfortable and flawless in my approach so that I didn’t have to deal with the consequences of a mistake. Yes, you can laugh or roll your eyes. I did too when I typed those words and could hear how hypocritical and fictional it sounds, but it’s the ugly and honest truth.
What I have come to upon this reflection and realization of my own thoughts and emotions is the same thing I talked about which provided me a sense of comfort throughout quarantine – I am not in this alone. I am not the only one who feels insecure, vulnerable, angry, scared, responsible, hopeful, or eager. We all know those things because we will all feel those things. We all have to feel uncomfortable and unsure. The only thing we can be sure about is that we will show up messy, mistaken and/or misinformed, riddled with mistakes. We know this, but how many of us actually allow ourselves to do this? Better yet, when this happens, do you allow yourself to feel discomfort and uncertainty? Do you allow yourself the space to acknowledge that you’re scared and show up as the person you want to be anyways? Or do you condemn yourself for not “fixing” the problem sooner? Do you become frustrated or mad at yourself because you’re frustrated and mad? Does your pain and fear isolate you to where you stand?
I ask these questions because they were the questions I needed and still need to revisit to put things in perspective and to help me “get over myself” when the emotions of my experience slide into the driver’s seat. Being human isn’t easy – we all know this. If you’re not willing to allow yourself to show up imperfectly, are you really going to be able to allow others to do so? I don’t claim to know it all, but from where I sit and what I observe, it appears that a lot of the world (or maybe just my world) is divided in their thoughts and beliefs about what is and what should be. There seems to be more of a need to “be right” than to actually understand perspectives and experiences. This stems from a multitude of sources I’m sure, but what I am confident about is that people’s behavior isn’t empty, nor do I believe it is inherently ill-willed. Most people think they’re showing up as their best for themselves and their people. What I challenge is that the key to becoming better people for ourselves and the people we show up for is to allow ourselves the space to be compassionate in ALL of our interactions; ourselves included.
I have found a few things to be helpful in navigating my internal environment:
1. Start with self-kindness: this is step 1 for a reason (refer to pt. 1 of the series), both in the layout of self-compassion and in this layout of these steps. It’s arguably more difficult to be nice to ourselves than anyone else, but the groundwork starts there by building awareness of our thought tendencies and our emotional and physical responses to those internal interactions. Do the work with you and for you.
2. Provide more questions than comments – now this can be tough for our egos to do in the moment, but it’s pivotal when it comes to understanding experiences, both inwardly and outwardly. If you want improvement, you have to understand what it takes. If you want to understand, you have to ask. If you ask, you have to listen.
3. Intention directs attention – set an intention for your day, every day if possible. This helps provide a scope for every interaction you have; it informs what you’re trying to accomplish and prioritizes what is important for you which allows you some flexibility and grace to not dwell on what is less important for that particular day.
These are just a few strategies I have used and found productive in my experience that help me show up when things are going well and when they’re not. We show up to life every day trying to perform at our best – the performance arena could be specific to sport, business, social gatherings, or within the walls of your own home, but the common factor is YOU. You have the ability to make the most significant impact on your life and therefore have the responsibility to look after yourself and your well-being, especially when navigating the often burdensome road of self-improvement which means you are also the one responsible for offering yourself compassion (Hanson, 2015). In understanding and caring for your own human experience, we learn how to better show up for others in theirs. We were never meant to be perfect; we were meant to be people.
“A destruction, an annihilation that only man can provoke, only man can prevent.”
References:
1. Hanson, R., & Hanson, F. (2018). Resilient: How to grow an unshakable core of calm, strength, and happiness. New York: Harmony Books.
2. Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and identity, 2(2), 85-101.
3. Neff, K. D., & McGehee, P. (2010). Self-compassion and psychological resilience among adolescents and young adults. Self and identity, 9(3), 225-240.