A Self-Compassion Series: Me vs. We (pt. 1)
Whether it be in an athletic setting, a business setting, family, or within a classroom, we tend to prioritize the collective good over the needs of the individual and in many ways, there is good reason and sound logic for this approach. However, I have heard of and witnessed several experiences where this approach may have caused more harm than good. In an era where “more is better,” and being overworked means “having work ethic,” I think often times the scale needs to be tipped back towards the needs of the individual. That may seem like a risky point to make during a time when quite a bit of focus tends to fall to criticisms of “millennials do too much of [this]” and “millennials don’t do enough of [that],” but hear me out; I am not at all disagreeing with the sentiment teamwork is essential and needing to work together may call for moments of sacrifice, but what we are sacrificing and how much needs to be desperately re-evaluated.
Quite often, the notion of doing one’s share and contributing in a meaningful way gets boiled down to “just be tougher.” But what does that mean? What is “being tough?” I think the answer lies in intentionally and proactively prioritizing ones’ self through the scope of self-compassion; essentially learning how to better interact with ones’ self in a way that promotes self-kindness, shared humanity with others, and mindfulness (Neff, 2003). In a previous posting, I elucidated what self-compassion is and how it lends itself to the development of resilience. I believe self-compassion is one of the foundational keys of unlocking ones’ true performance potential, both personally and professionally. Being able to manage the internal environment and dialogue with ourselves allows us to more effectively manage and perform in the external environment(s). This series on is meant to further elaborate on each of the 3 core concepts that create the characteristic of self-compassion and the ways it can be better facilitated in our lives to promote benefits for both the individual and the collective(s), beginning with self-kindness.
Self-kindness:
Now as soon as I bring up the word kindness, I know the eye rolls and shoulder shrugs are coming, but don’t think this is an excuse to let yourself off the hook with this topic. Kindness is not about being soft or removing accountability. In fact, I think kindness is the exact opposite. Being kind to yourself and to others is sometimes quite challenging; becoming angry, judgmental, and unforgiving – that’s the easy road! Kindness is easy when things are going your way, but when the unexpected happens or adversity makes a surprise visit, that’s when kindness gets shoved into the back corner even though that’s when we need it most! Nobody puts kindness in a corner… I have seen it time and time again; whether it’s a pitcher coming in after a bad outing on the mound, throwing his glove against the wall of the dugout. A student hanging their head after struggling through an exam. A parent sitting on the couch after their kids have gone down for the night wondering if they could have done something more for their child on a rough day. In those moments, it is almost always easier to focus on what doesn’t seem good enough.
Our brains are geared to place more attention and weight on the negative experiences; it’s NORMAL. As humans, negativity bias was essential for us to notice, pay attention to, and respond to things we perceived as threats in order to survive (Rozin & Royzman, 2001). However, times have changed and while negativity bias may have been necessary in the past, it is not the most conducive to performance and overall well-being by today’s standards. The good news is that the brain can be trained, and we can teach ourselves to mitigate those destructive tendencies. All of this to say, we can train ourselves to interact with ourselves in a more kind, productive way. In order for these changes to be effective and lasting, the key is to be realistic and authentic; kindness is not always positive, but it should always be sincere and intentional. Here are 3 steps to develop and maintain self-kindness:
1. Reality Check: A good way to go about treating oneself more kindly is to consider a loved one in your situation; picture a sibling, a best friend, a teammate, a coworker, your mother, whoever (Neff & McGehee, 2010). While this exercise is simple, I have found it to be continually effective because we’ve all been there. Everyone has had the experience of wanting and needing to be someone else’s source of support and encouragement when things aren’t going right. Most of the time, we don’t want to kick them while they are down. Instead, we find ways to help get them back on their own feet. What are some ways we do this? Acknowledge the situation. There are aspects of performance and life that suck. Plain and simple. To state anything else would be a lie. Don’t downplay it. Don’t ignore it. But also, don’t exaggerate it. It’s not better than it is, but it’s not worse than it is either. In the words of J.F. Menard, “It is what it is, not what it ‘should’ be.” Also, find ways to revisit the intention of their actions. While the execution or outcomes of their action(s) may not have been what they were striving for, nobody sets out to fail. I would bet most of the time, if not all the time, our intentions are never to make our lives or the lives of others more difficult so finding ways to reconnect to the intention can help shift things back into perspective and away from the destructive rumination.
2. Rework it: Failure, or whatever we deem as failure, is inevitable. Everybody makes mistakes and nobody will ever be perfect in anything they do. It is not a secret and come as no surprise that the takeaway message here is to find ways to learn from the failure. However, I believe that is much easier said than done; it is not difficult to identify that somethings have not gone as planned, but it is often difficult to pinpoint why and because of this, even at elite levels, I find it is common to sweep these mishaps under the rug. It takes courage and willingness to be vulnerable enough to say, “I can do better,” and understanding that sometimes that means asking for help. I couldn’t tell you exactly when or why it became common to isolate ourselves in failure, but I know it’s rarely ever productive. We know that everybody experiences hardship and disappointment, but we get scared of sharing our own experience. Tell me, if we are ashamed of our own human experience, aren’t we just permeating the message that others should be too? Instead, I encourage finding ways to approach the similarities in our human experience by noting that falling short or messing up is 100% normal and dare I say, welcome! Let our first interaction with those moments not be fear, rather curiosity. I would challenge us all to not turn a blind eye or sweep it out of sight, but embrace what happens with the Double A strategy (Vealey, 2018); How can you Adapt and Adjust? We all know the stories like Michael Jordan getting cut from his high school team or J.K. Rowling being rejected time and time again before receiving publication of Harry Potter which obviously became a phenomenal series of children’s books so it’s evident that the key is not avoiding failure. The key is not letting it deter us from the reality that all failure means is perhaps there is a different approach. There is rarely only a single solution to a problem.
Water does not let an object prevent forward progress - it instead reroutes the path.
3. Acknowledge strengths: Lastly, in knowing there will likely be need for a variety of approaches since mistakes are an inevitable and expected part of the process, my challenge to you is to let your strengths be your guide in rerouting your map to success. This is perhaps the most challenging part of developing self-kindness because it requires high levels of self-awareness and the ability to side step negativity bias. When things don’t go our way, we immediately want to focus on what we didn’t or couldn’t do to achieve the desired outcome. But if what we are looking to do is adapt and adjust the plan, not dismiss it, then why not rely on our strengths, AKA what we do best, to navigate out of the situation and onto a new path toward our objective. While this may seem like a simple solution, I understand this is not an easy thing to execute. As I stated before, this requires high levels of self-awareness. When we are feeling defeated and have fallen short of our expectations, our strengths are typically not the first things to come to mind. This is where intentional practice can make a fundamental difference; I’m a huge fan of reflective journaling. Revisiting my week and taking the thoughts from my head to a piece of paper is something that has worked well for me in helping me further develop my perspective and also helps me operationalize what is happening in my life. I am significantly more confident in my days and weeks because I can identify what went well and what needs improvement. It also allows me to track what I have already improved on. I do this on a weekly basis and admittedly, could likely benefit from doing it more regularly, but because it is so consistent, I don’t struggle as much as I used to in recalling my strengths and cultivating belief in my ability to “figure it out.” In returning to my journal, I have pages and pages of evidence of me “figuring it out” in the past so I know there is a way to do it now. Maybe this process could work for you or maybe there is something better suited for you. Whatever it is, I challenge you to find ways to recount your strengths regularly so it doesn’t take as much effort to recall them in the difficult moments.
Self-kindness can only become more natural by intentionally incorporating it into our daily routine. Rewire that negativity bias in a more productive pattern. Just like any other skill or habit, it takes time and practice to make it automatic. A pitcher would never show up to a game with the hope that a pitch they’ve never practiced will all of a sudden work. Same goes for self-kindness; we must find ways to practice and eventually, it will become a more innate response. Embracing self-kindness not only reaps individual benefit, but will indefinitely spill over to benefit those around you. The more in touch you can be with your own human experience, the more you will recognize those experiences in your interactions with others.
“You can accomplish by kindness what you cannot by force.”
Author: Stephanie Hale
References:
1. Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and identity, 2(2), 85-101.
2. Neff, K. D., & McGehee, P. (2010). Self-compassion and psychological resilience among adolescents and young adults. Self and identity, 9(3), 225-240.
3. Rozin, P., & Royzman, E. B. (2001). Negativity bias, negativity dominance, and contagion. Personality and social psychology review, 5(4), 296-320.
4. Vealey, R. S. (2018). A periodization approach to building confidence in athletes. Journal of Sport Psychology in Action, 1-12.