Self-Compassion: Achilles Heel or the Key to Resilience?
I am often asked what I think contributes to consistently great performance and my response is usually to ask others what they think first. Many of the answers I receive revolve around themes of confidence, motivation, work-ethic, drive, grit, and teamwork to name a few. While these are all certainly influential components, there is one element that almost never shows up in these discussions: self-compassion. Upon this point, I tend to receive 2 types of responses, either some type of eyeroll dismissal or a suspicious look of fascination. On the surface level, self-compassion may seem to undermine many qualities we strive for or envision in relation to achieving success because it does not seem to carry the same punch as images of relentless strength, persistent work ethic, and unwavering commitment. However, my argument is that self-compassion contributes to all of these things and is the foundation of building unshakable resilience.
WHAT IS SELF-COMPASSION?
Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as a way to conceptualize relating to oneself without involvement of self-worth (Neff, 2003; Neff & Vonk, 2009). Self-compassion is composed of three primary components: self-kindness, a sense of common humanity, and mindfulness in association with perceived weakness or hardship. What I thoroughly enjoy and appreciate about this description is how clearly and concisely the concept is presented; that’s not to say the practice of self-compassion is simple though. Often times we think of performance being heavily influenced by our external environment and being able to manage all that happens outside ourselves which is not necessarily untrue, but it is also greatly determined by how we manage our internal environment (Portenga et al., 2011). Elite athlete and Boston marathon winner, Des Linden, says her secret to success is how well she knows herself (Finding Mastery podcast, Episode 127). Self-compassion provides a tool to not only know yourself better, but to also sharpen your strengths and acknowledge your weaknesses in a way that doesn’t defeat you. Instead, it provides space for understanding and correction without suppressing or exaggerating the consequences of failure.
WHY SELF-COMPASSION?
Dr. Rick Hanson explained it perfectly in his book titled Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness, when he compares our obligation to readily implement self-compassion in our own lives to the responsibility of a surgeon in caring for their patient (2018). He poses the question of “Who is the one person you can affect the most?” Answer: yourself. He further explains that when we have the ability to have a significant impact (like a surgeon on their patient) on someone’s life and well-being, we have an irrefutable responsibility to treat them well, but we don’t always apply this same logic to our interactions with ourselves. We instead tend to treat ourselves much more critically and unforgiving even though we would never treat others that way knowing it would likely be more destructive than beneficial. If we were to develop and utilize self-compassion practices more readily, our ability to learn from mistakes, feel encouraged and empowered, and connection with others would more productively shape our performance.
HOW DOES THIS BUILD RESILIENCE?
Self-compassion is the foundation and develops a framework for resilience by addressing our needs of experiencing comfort, safety, security, and connection. It is no secret that life will indeed bring challenge and failure at some point(s), but how we react and respond to those moments can be heavily influenced by how we relate to our self. If we are able to mitigate how much time we spend ruminating on destructive thoughts and emotions, if we are able to better manage stress, and construct better support systems through connection with others, many of our breakdowns in performance would be significantly less devastating (Reivich, Seligman, McBride, 2011; Neff & McGehee, 2010). The whole idea behind self-compassion is that if we can be more accepting-not complacent, more understanding-not dismissive, and more present-not ignorant of the past or future, we can be more resilient in our experience with hardship and failure because we are able to acknowledge the realities of our experience while still maintaining an ability to adjust and move forward.
Continue to develop self-compassion by figuring out what is important to you. Sit down and spend time thinking about the person you want to be known for. Write it down. Spend time questioning your thoughts about yourself. Challenge yourself and ask whether or not you would speak to a loved one the same way you speak to yourself. The more frequently you can consider and revisit these things, the more self-compassion can be cultivated and incorporated into your processes. I would bet on there being noticeable change, not only in your performance, but in all aspects of your life.
“Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.”
Author: Stephanie Hale
References:
Hanson, R., & Hanson, F. (2018). Resilient: How to grow an unshakable core of calm, strength, and happiness. New York: Harmony Books.
Portenga, S. T., Aoyagi, M. W., Balague, G., Cohen, A., & Harmison, B. (2011). Defining the practice of sport and performance psychology. Manuscript submitted for publication.
Neff, K. D. (2003). Development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2, 223-250.
Neff, K. D., & McGehee, P. (2010). Self-compassion and psychological resilience among adolescents and young adults. Self and identity, 9(3), 225-240.
Neff, K. D., & Vonk, R. (2009). Self‐compassion versus global self‐esteem: Two different ways of relating to oneself. Journal of personality, 77(1), 23-50.
Reivich, K. J., Seligman, M. E., & McBride, S. (2011). Master resilience training in the US Army. American Psychologist, 66(1), 25.